i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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