my sisters under your porch take her home
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
