If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
