Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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