Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
