I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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