its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
