hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize