Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
