I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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