She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
