Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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