I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
