my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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