we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
