So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
