Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
and you fell through a lawn chair
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
