this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
