dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
