did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
