apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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