i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
