Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
