I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
