What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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