I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
