What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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