Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
