Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
