Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
