The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
