i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Randomize
