I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
