happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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