I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
