you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
