My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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