she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
This baby is an asshole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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