just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dicks are not precious.
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