I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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