Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize