dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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