Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
