sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
