It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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