Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
