Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
