I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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