it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
