I want to have your abortion
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm too high and old for this...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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