Buhtt sex?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
