i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
