At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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