I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
