I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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