He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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