Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize