DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
