I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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