I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i think my mom watched the whole time
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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