The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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