A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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