Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
